Her Majesty the Queen has marked the 32nd anniversary of the beginning of the IRA hunger strikes with her own tribute dirty protest, according to reports. In a hitherto unheard of breach with royal toilet etiquette, the monarch took advantage of a bout of gastroenteritis to plaster the walls of her private toilet with a large quantity of liquid excrement in defiance of British rule by herself.
Cleaning staff at London’s exclusive Edward VII hospital were said to be dismayed after walking into the private cubicle to find Elizabeth II had daubed the letters “HRH” over six feet tall in regal brown. A further message reading “1st March 1981 – we remember”, also in shit, was found scrawled across the cistern.
The smearing is seen as a hugely significant step in the peace process with those on both sides of the divide acknowledging it as such. Sinn Fein’s Martin McGuiness said
‘Something similar happened when she stayed at Stormont. It took myself, Gerry Adams and Sir Ian Paisley working together in a spirit of peace and reconciliation over five hours to remove Her Majesty’s faeces from a bedroom wall using elbow grease and three litres of Mr Muscle. So it did.’
Although the Queen was seen throughout her reign as a legitimate target by the IRA, she is known to have developed republican sympathies after watching In The Name Of The Father starring Pete Posthlewaite on Blu Ray. Her Majesty has also been refusing food in protest against the wrongful imprisonment of the Guildford Four and media intrusion into her bowel movements, instigated by Nicholas Witchell.
Fellow patient Sophie de Beauvoir,73, said
‘Charles and William brought her some grapes yesterday evening but she just tossed them to one side and muttered something in Gaelic’. The Queen, meanwhile, is said to be responding well to treatment for her illness and was seen emerging from her toilet this morning with a wicked grin.
‘One would give it ten minutes if one were you,’ she beamed.