Poorly-funded peoples’ army, the TPLF, claimed the famine situation in Ethiopia was worsening last night and that millions would die unless a global concert is arranged featuring bands such as The Killers, UB40 and the surviving members of Bananarama.
In a hastily-arranged press conference, the group stated that the recent poor harvest meant they were absolutely famished – a situation that could only be alleviated by an emergency food drop of Bird’s Eye Quarter Pounders, Pot Noodle and family-size packs of crisps, but not the Cheese & Onion ones.
The leader of the militia, Aregawi Derhe, representing the area of Korem and surrounding districts, said residents had been forced to queue at the town’s only Little Chef and urged people to send in their donations:
‘Your money will go directly to the people who need it. A sum of one hundred thousand pounds can purchase a year’s supply of grain, fresh drinking water and five hundred Kalashnikovs to defeat the fascist government scum, depending on your priorities. But in that respect, at least, we’ve learnt from the mistakes of the past and turned over a new leaf.’
‘Dawn, and as the sun breaks through the piercing chill of the night on the plain outside Korem, it lights up a biblical famine, now, in the twenty first century.. yadda yadda yadda. Look - you know the drill by now. We accept all major credit cards including Switch and Visa. Don’t forget the expiry date and the three digit security code on the back. ‘
Meanwhile, Bob Geldof, has been called upon to organise the huge concert with the provisional title of ‘Live Aid 2010 – Still Hungry’, while Midge Ure will scribble down the lyrics to a hit charity single in the back of a taxi. Geldof quickly sought to play down any suggestion that ninety five percent of the cash will end up in the hands of gun-toting marxist psychopaths:
‘I find that deeply offensive. I say to people: Stop what you are doing. Don’t go down the pub tonight. There are people dying right now. We’ve got Sting on board and Boy George is lined up, assuming he can slip his tag. Er… do you really want me to swear again on live television? ‘
And as more big names signed up for the feel-good celebrity rollercoaster, Coldplay singer, Chris Martin, announced that he and his band would perform a selection of low-rent soul-sapping album filler plus some dreary new material during which he hopes to rhyme the word ‘famine’ with jammin’.
On hearing this, however, Commander Derhe immediately cocked his weapon, ranting, ‘Coldplay? You’re having a frigging laugh ain’t ya? If I really wanted to listen to the sound of a hyena stepping on a landmine, I’d have bought ‘Clocks’.