It started with an innocent remark. David Cameron, keen to demonstrate political toughness in the wake of the Tory defeat in Eastleigh, threatened to “hurt a kitten.” Later he told reporters he was going to “take a nest of tables back to John Lewis and demand his money back” – another bid to demonstrate that the Tories mean business, and are mean.
Later, Nigel Farage belittled Mr Cameron’s kitten-hurting agenda by eating a kitten whole on Channel 5 news, causing Matt Barbette to stop smiling for the first time since he left BBC London. “That’s what UKIP will do to the deficit,” said an unrepentant Farage. “No pussy footing around. In fact, no pussy. Gone. As the deficit will be if you vote UKIP. Next, I will eat the kind of immigrant likely to claim UK benefits and rob a bank. Then I will polish off another kitten.”
Now, kittens around Britain say they are “scared and confused” at this unlikely turn in politics. Greetings card manufacturers in particular have expressed concern, while Youtube said there may be a backlog of “a new kind of kitten video” awaiting vetting. And a John Lewis spokesman said a decrease in net migration could mean a shortage in home decorating supplies. “It could be curtains for net curtains” said a spokesperson.