Claims that David Cameron’s brand of conservatism isn’t tough enough have led to the Tory leader threatening to “hurt a kitten” to demonstrate his commitment to old style Tory values. Sources close to the Prime Minister said the defenceless little pet would be hurt to demonstrate Mr Cameron’s unswervingly tough commitment to bringing down the deficit. Mr Cameron is also expected to hint at casual xenophobia, with some withering remarks about Tasmanians planned. He is also tipped to “sneer at some girls” on Monday.
Friends of Mr Cameron said the Old Etonian had experienced expensive and mindless violence at school, and developed quite a taste for it. But on joining the staff of Carlton Television, where he performed the role of “helper” on It’ll be All Right on the Night, he had to tone down his natural thuggish tendencies because “they were frightening Denis Norden.”
“Now the gloves are off” said a Tory source. “ Which is OK because the weather is just starting to warm up. The vests may stay for another few weeks.”