(HEAVILY EDITED VERSION OF EARLIER POST)
A statement released this morning by the Department of Health has confirmed that Political Correctness has officially gone mad, and has been detained indefinitely under the Mental Health Act. The incident occurred on Friday night after The Human RIghts Act, a close friend of Political Correctness, called the local social services for an emergency assessment. Political Correctness had allegedly returned to the home it shares with the Human Rights Act, following a mostly hazard-free night out with the Health and Safety Act. Instead of carrying out his/hers/its usual ritual of measuring the latent racism present in the atmosphere, Political Correctness opened a can of Tennents Super Strength Lager, switched on Sky News, and began to eulogise about the benefits of ethnic cleansing.
'It was truly terrifying', said The Human Rights Act, ' PC started going on about all these people he was supposed to protect saying "some of them don't deserve it; Hitler had a point." I mean, he has always whinged about the day job, and he could be a little illiberal when drunk, but who isn't? This was different, though. He started saying he was "going to shit them up" by "playing spin the bottle with the moral compass". I phoned NHS Direct, and they told me to ring the GP out of hours service, who told me to call Social services. I really had no choice because I was scared she was turning into a bit of a despotic zealot. I mean, I'm all for civil liberties, but some people need locking up for the good of the country.'
Speculation has surrounded the mental state of the ethical notion for some time, following reports of increasingly inconsistent behaviour and a series of high profile incidents. Most recently, Political Correctness deemed it ‘inappropriate’ to refer to a banker as ‘an irresponsible yuppie arse’, to call a politician a ‘liar’, and most controversially, to brand all catholic priests 'paedophiles'.
During an appearance on 'Question Time', Political Correctness said that ‘before judging bankers and politicians, we must first understand the sacrifice they have had make in order to be able to wield great power with such an inspiring sense of abandon; only through the trials and tribulations of a protected upbringing, the curse of an Etonian sense of elitism and years of sniffing cocaine can a person seek to be successful in the world of financial speculation and politics. Or both if you are in the House of Lords. The personal sacrifice involved in becoming such a repugnant form of life is truly massive; they deserve great respect and we should be protecting their heritage and identity. Which is why I propose that the hereditary peerage be reintroduced.
'As for catholic priests,' it continued, ' we can no longer go on making assumptions and accusations that just because you've chosen a life of devout celibacy to be spent with young boys you are a paedophile. Not at first anyway. It is clear that the only reason catholic priests lose their way is because they are taunted by the current climate of liberated women rejoicing in their sexuality and freedom, which drives them to despair and warps their senses. In short, the prevalence of child abuse in the catholic church is the fault of feminism. We need to protect the beliefs of the church, and curb this inconsiderate taunting. Which is why I propose that all women be made to wear burkas and tied to the kitchen sink.'
It is unlikely that the once-dominant moral cartographer will ever be released, with the new government looking to seize upon the absence of political correctness to reinstill 'common sense, decency and a healthy suspicion of darkies'.