Cardinals of the Catholic Church are in a hurry to ensure the election process is complete before Easter. However, in a twist from tradition, those involved – Cardinals under 80 years of age – have decided that, rather than just elect a new Pope, they will elect a new God too. Says a spokesman:
“Essentially, they [the church] have had a bit of a bad run of late: stories of paedophilia; connections with the Nazis; silly hats. Hence it was decided that if they change the Man in charge, the rest will, simply, fall into line. It’s common knowledge that all Catholic bishops are just following the word of God, so, technically, it must have been God that was at fault all this time.”
It appears that the church was also trying to avoid any panic associated with the prophecy of St Malachy – stating that the next Pope will be the last before the apocalypse – by switching allegiance. The spokesman continued:
“New God, new rules. It’s simple really: by changing to another God we can eliminate any issue with this prophecy. Even if it does set a precedent for the church to start believing in ancient folklore that doesn’t really have any relevance in modern society.”
It appears bookmakers are already taking plenty of bets. The current favourite is Vishnu, the Hindu God, with many Catholics believing He would welcome a Pope to help with extra tasks, as He often has His hands full. Also, it appears that William Hill will be slashing the odds to 4/1 that the next Catholic God will be black.