An investigation into internet adverts proclaiming that you can lose belly fat fast has discovered that the ‘one weird old tip’ mentioned is actually an addiction to heroin.
‘We suspected that the testimonial from a man who lost seven pounds of belly fat in two weeks was fake, so we were a little surprised when we managed to track him down.’ said investigative journalist Donal Macintyre, ‘It turns out that ‘Paul from Glasgow’ does exist and really did lose the weight, but when we found him in a bedsit he was sitting in his own filth, injecting heroin between his toes and hadn’t eaten for three days.’
Macintyre and his team managed to clean up the seven stone, emaciated poster boy for internet diet plans, and keep him lucid long enough to get some information about the amazing weight loss routine.
‘Paul told us that he had always been a little bit tubby and was insecure about his looks, so when he saw the advert while browsing for free porn he couldn’t resist giving it a go.’ explained Macintyre. ‘After registering his details he was contacted by a local consultant who arranged to visit him to deliver the ‘miracle weight loss drug’ along with a detailed diet plan of skag three times a day.’
The programme really worked and as Paul stuck to the regime of injecting heroin, flaking out for several hours and then injecting more, while occasionally soiling himself, the weight started to drop off. Unfortunately ‘dieting’ became an obsession, and as he sailed past his target weight of eleven stone his personal life started to suffer. He lost touch with friends and lost interest in going out, instead staying home to diet every evening, slumped in a chair.
The company responsible for the adverts have defended their methods and pointed to the proven results.
‘While we concede that a small minority of people may see adverse effects to using heroin as a weight loss drug if they fail to do so responsibly, we stand by our programme. As long as you stop as soon as you reach your target, clean yourself up, have a shave and ring your employer to see if you still have a job, then everything should be fine.’
‘And if you have any of the drug left over we will be more than happy to take it off your hands and redistribute it to other customers.’