The Almighty has admitted “snoozing” during periods of the recently ended papacy “because he was bored with the arguments about cover ups over child abuse and the constant banging on about gay priests”. But in a surprising interview with Channel 4 News, the Lord has emphasised he’ll be on black coffees for the next forty eight hours “to keep the Lib Dems out at Eastleigh.”
“It’s not because I like David Cameron or I think we should think again about immigration,” said God. “I just can’t stand all this fibbing about the wobbly bloke with the wandering hands. At least among friends Catholic priests are frank about liking dressing up and that. But these Lib Dems, what is it with them? Remember the bloke who had the other bloke’s dog killed? Jeremy something. It’ll come back to me. And all that stuff about tuition fees?
“And another thing. Why no more Father Ted? I know the bloke died, but I had nothing nothing to do with it, believe me. I was having a snooze at the time, and when I woke up they were all discussing whether Dougal could go it alone with Mrs Doyle. Anyway I'm going to move in mysterious ways tomorrow after all this coffee, so get down to Ladbrokes!”