God today angrily denied allegations made by the Pope that there were moments “it seemed the Lord was sleeping”. He maintained his denial despite evidence emerging that he is omniscient, and thus knows everything that goes on.
“Look, I knew there were some general concerns about sexual abuse in the Church, the Vatican Bank and such-like. But that doesn’t mean I was watching every time the Priests and Altar Boys played hide and seek” said God.
“Being omniscient is like having lots and lots of TV channels – a super-sized Sky TV in the sky. Just because you have lots of channels doesn’t mean you watch them all – watching real life cooking and home renovation gets pretty boring after a while.”
God said if he is not out for a walk, or wiping out mankind with a giant flood, his idea of a good night in was keeping an eye on Manchester United while scanning the world’s bedrooms for steamy girl on girl sex.
“When I say, girl on girl sex, I like to watch the sort where two attractive and otherwise heterosexual girls have experimental sex together, not the sort where two dyke life partners who look like soldiers get it on” observed God.
“And I like watching Man United train and play mainly to see if Sir Alex Ferguson will blow his top and throw a shoe or something.”
“Sometimes if I’m lucky everything comes together and I can watch Wayne Rooney watching two hot babes having the right sort of lesbian sex – why the hell would I watch what the Church is up to if I can watch that?”
(inspired by Sinnick and updated for the Pope speech)