A Carlisle man is barely speaking to his wife this weekend after she took him on what he has insensitively described as a 'murderous' all-day shopping spree.
Geoff Phelps, originally from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, has spoken of his traumatic day following his wife around Europe's largest shopping centre. 'She dragged me all the way over to the MetroCentre,' he said. 'A hundred mile round-trip just to visit the same bloody shops we have in town. My feet are effin killing me.'
His wife Susie believes that the 'personal sacrifice' she made in choosing a shopping trip instead of 'a cracking day of sunbathing' should be welcomed by her husband. 'I've missed out on some of the best skin-wrinkling weather of the year,' she said, 'just so that we could spend some quality time with him sitting on a convenient wall outside the shops with all the bags whilst I pottered around inside.'
She claims to have 'bought some great stuff' during what she considers 'a really good day out' and says she can't understand her husband's incessant complaining. 'He reckons we were close to throttling each other through boredom,' she said, 'but I was in a really good mood and, for once, didn't feel like strangling the life out of him at all. I found some absolute bargains, especially during the epic double-trip around BHS, but I recall the homeward journey being very quiet and he was really grumpy when we got back.'
Mr Phelps is incredulous at his wife's lack of compassion. 'I don't think it's ever dawned on her that I don't like shopping. Or that I might actually feel a bit tired after driving all the way there, spending the whole day traipsing around after her whilst she bled me dry and then having to prop my eyes open to drive back,' he said, clearly traumatised by the experience.
'She didn't even want to be home early like she usually does because Corrie was cancelled again,' he wailed, 'so we were stuck there until they kicked us out. Unsurprisingly, I'm not that bothered in seeing what crap she's bought this time, especially the moment we're through the front door. The lucky cow slept all the way home. I'll get my own back soon though -- she absolutely hates the footie!'