Goat girl Melania denies everything
'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.
Trump made chief of the Ramblers
A spokes-blitherer blithered 'We've inducted the President of the USA into the Ramblers and promoted him to chief - because he's proving himself to be one of the most persistent ramblers of modern times.'
The Ceasefire to end all Ceasefires
The White House has boasted that Trump's ceasefire is so comprehensive that people can keep fighting without disrupting it - no matter how many bombs Israel drops, it cannot shatter the peace and tranquillity of the President's vision. His spokeswoman confirmed: 'The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. Now, let's kick some ass!'
Lee Anderson – blink twice if you need help
We’re growing concerned about Lee’s welfare. It’s like a scene from Tom Brown’s schooldays or Lord of The Flies. Or maybe the first act of The Devil Wears Prada but with an oafish ex-miner instead of Anne Hathaway . . . no, that doesn’t work, and I’ve got the two images stuck together now. That’s a good w*nk ruined.
British Medical Association Rebrands HQ as Workhouse Following Staff Pay Strike
LONDON – In a move described as "refreshingly traditional," the British Medical Association has responded to its staff's strike action by installing a row of spinning jennies in the accounts department and replacing the staff canteen with a single, communal bucket of lukewarm gruel.
Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize
"No one ever made a better ceasefire deal than this," bragged Trump to reporters during his one-man victory parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.
Britain's Largest Trireme Sets Off For The Med
The Ministry of Defence announced today that, despite criticism from President Trump our largest and best-equipped trireme, the HMS Jolly Matelot, would be pulling out of its home port of Hunstanton, just as soon as its Captain, Andrew Moistbottom-Wonder is available from his hectic routine of horse-riding and, well, more horse-riding.
US forces aim to rescue man stranded in remote part of Washington DC
‘We know he’s out there, and in distress,’ said Flight-Lieutenant ‘Chuck’ Waggon. ‘He went down in a flaming fireball, in a massive and catastrophic crash somewhere over Washington DC. But we believe he’s alive, and we’ll use all our efforts to get him back.’
The Trump Truth Book of Wars I Totally Would Have Won
At Custer's Last Stand, General Custer was totally surrounded. Surrounded like you'd never believe. He still could have won if he had been me - a very stable military genius. But he was a total loser and a libtard traitor for being defeated by the Sioux and he deserved to die.
Personally, I would have Sioux-ed them for all they were worth.
Walter Reed hospital asked to step up
With injured US servicemen and women on the uptick Walter Reed has had to increase its workload, but the focus on the hospital is currently centred on just one patient. 'We can confirm the President is in attendance for his weekly annual check-up, and his fortnightly one-off colouring test,' said a spokesman for Walter Reed today. 'Nothing to be concerned about, we carry out these routine checks routinely on some Presidents. This President specifically, but we had contingen
