IKEA has admitted that its own in-house tests failed to discover horse DNA in its meatballs because a key part of the test equipment was missing.
'I looked everywhere when I was assembling the DNA tester,' said IKEA scientist Lars Volgstrum, 'but it was nowhere to be found, despite being clearly identified in the instructions as "horse meat detector sensor x 1". I even went out to the car and checked it hadn't come out of the box during transit and slipped into the spare wheel area of my Volvo.'
'Anyway, it still fitted together, despite a noticeable hole, and I thought, fuck it, what are the chances? Besides, at 99p for 48 of them, with chips and a drink, what do they expect?'
IKEA has confirmed that any laboratories that have recently purchased its DNA detecting machine can choose between a full refund or one of its Plastis dish-washing brushes to place in the hole.