Hard line London Police Commissioner, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, today confirmed the Police were exploiting the major weakness in the terrorists’ armour: the fact that terrorists consistently look like terrorists.
The Commissioner explained, “this gives us the upper hand because we can quickly look at a suspect and decide whether they do in fact look like a terrorist. If they do, we tag 'em and bag 'em.”
The Commissioner did acknowledge that his approach wasn’t entirely foolproof.
The Police's recent raid of a suspected meeting of a London terror cell was in fact a Lord Of The Rings convention which ended with the arrest of seventeen Gandalfs and one Frodo.
To use the Commissioner's terminology, that's seventeen taggings and one Baggins.
The Commissioner commented, “visually, a Gandalf lookalike and a genuine terrorist tick the same boxes. However we do regret performing the strip searches before checking if the beards were genuine”.
It appears that the raid was even more bungled than the Commissioner suggests. One of the unfortunate Gandalfs whose beard happened to be real was only correctly identified as he fought off an invasive cavity search whilst shrieking 'you shall not pass'.
Refusing to comment further on the treatment of terror suspects in custody, the Commissioner was keen to clarify that the lone Frodo who was arrested was done so on the grounds of being a suspected pedophile rather than a terrorist. Unfortunately however, the Frodo in question turned out to be a nine year old girl.
The Commissioner concluded, “the arrest of the individual dressed as Frodo was an unfortunate mistake, but in the heat of the moment all we saw was a child with man’s feet. To us that just shouted ‘pedo’”