It has come to light that manufacturers of low-cost packets of ham have been using human arse gas as a means of preserving the meat for longer periods. This appears to be the explanation for the shit curdling reek that is released when a cheap packet of ham is opened.
Specifically, the manmade methane was provided by professional pant worrier 'Brian W' (we have concealed his full identity for safety reasons).
For the last fifteen years, Brian W has been bottling his turd vapour prior to it being pumped into the packets of ham before sealing. The accusation levelled at the manufacturers is that whilst they couldn’t possibly add any more preservatives to the meat without it losing its classification as meat entirely, the methane gas could add a further 1 month to the product’s shelf life.
The manufacturers (who cannot be named due to lazy reporting reasons) refused to be interviewed but released a statement claiming the allegations to be nothing more than “posturing” and “hot air”.
We aren’t entirely sure if that is an statement of innocence or guilt.
Fear of fart backlash
It would appear that Brian W is in fact the innocent party in this sordid business. In order to increase his output, the manufacturers had been feeding him a diet high in Greggs and Red Bull; a concoction that has left him simultaneously lethargic and hyperactive all the time (not to mention the recurring piles). Unaware of the true purpose of his efforts, Brian W had been told by the manufacturers that his farts were solely being used by the companies’ aroma departments which were attempting to simulate his meaty whiff for their vegetarian burgers. In reality, the manufacturers do not even have 'aroma departments', their veggie burgers just naturally smell of shit.
Now Brian W is aware of the truth going on behind his behind, he is concerned there may be a public backlash and indeed is fearful for his safety. It appears he is right to be concerned. We spoke with Brian W's neighbours on the Brook Estate in Hull and without exception, they all wanted to see the unnamed culprit hang.
“I’m genuinely concerned I’ll be attacked in the street, so I appreciate you concealing my identity” commented Mr Winters.
This story is likely to linger a lot longer than one of Brian’s farts so further details will be reported as they are released.
Update: since this news report was written, Brian has indeed been attacked in the street. At this stage, no one is sure how he could have been tracked down and identified. Hull locals found him unconscious and trouserless outside an Iceland supermarket. His attackers had left him with assorted frozen fish canopes wedged up his chapped bottom - certainly a new take on the 'Iceland prawn ring' - though on a happy note, the shellfish enema froze off his piles.
[This is my first post here so would appreciate constructive thoughts... I wonder if I've overworked it a bit. Thanks, Slanté]