HOROSCOPE week commencing 25 February 2013
by Colin the Cosmic Cockerel.
ARIES. You will meet someone this week who you may or may not have met before.
TAURUS. Your partner will find your secret stash of 1980s porn mags, no tea for you tonight.
GEMINI. Someone will dispose of their secret porn stash in your wheelie bin in the dead of night; unfortunately a freak gust of wind tips your bin over spilling all its contents all over the pavement. You will be known as the local pervert forever more.
CANCER. Sorry the clues in the name.
LEO. There will be a lot of weather about.
VIRGO. Avoid all root vegetables this week.
LIBRA. At 3.15 you will momentarily be confused about your sexuality.
SCORPIO. You will receive some good news in the post.
SAGITTERIUS. Pink is your lucky colour.
CAPRICORN. You will be overcome by the sheer monotony and futility of life and end it all at 7.15pm halfway through the One Show.
AQUARIOUS. Diarrhea will strike while queuing in the Post Office. But luckily as it is pension day no one notices.
PISCES. Nothing at all of any importance will happen to you this week, nothing absolutely nothing at all.