Fears are growing on the Newsbiscuit writing forum that the site may lose its inspiration and guiding force, John O'Farrell, as his hopes of election to the House of Commons edge closer to reality. Newsbiscuit insiders are now admitting they are becoming desperate, as their last attempt to stop him failed. “We thought we'd taken care of it by leaking stuff he'd said 20 years ago about Mrs Thatcher being blown up”, said one. However, O'Farrell hit back with a half-hearted apology which saw him storm past the Monster Raving Loony Party into sixth place in the hearts of Chris Huhne's former constituents.
“The odds have now passed the critical double figure watershed”, said seasoned analyst Julian Hayes, “120/1 at Ladbrokes last night, and now suddenly he's 99/1, with four whole days to close the gap. If I depended on Newsbiscuit to give meaning to my life, I'd be pretty worried at this stage. Their only hope is Tory Maria Hutchings. She's just the type who'd save a kitten from a burning house at the last minute and blow every other candidate out of the water.”
However, all is not lost as increasingly paranoid Newsbiscuit contributors dig into O'Farrell's past for more scandal. They are cautiously hopeful about rumours of sexual favours being traded for publishing stories on the site. “You only have to look at the people who post stuff here and imagine the sordid and pathetic favours they'd have to offer”, said one optimistic hack. “If he's that biddable, it shouldn't be hard to persuade him to lose the election. After all, he can always settle for a peerage.”