Promises that an Eastleigh meet the candidates meeting would be a ‘media circus’ were well wide of the mark, according to Gavin Henderson, aged 8.
‘I was looking forward to the candidates meeting for days, ever since my dad said it would be a “fucking media circus”. I was even more excited when I heard that the Lib-Dem candidate was an acrobat who does amazing policy back-flips, the Tory candidate was some sort of “loose cannon” stuntwoman, and the Labour candidate was a clown.’
‘It actually started quite well as the journalists swarmed around the candidates in a perfect scrum formation, but after that it was rubbish’ observed Gavin.
‘It turned out the Tory lady wasn’t a stuntwoman but was just part of a lame puppet act with a Mr Cameron obviously pulling the strings. My dad said Mr Cameron might as well have just gone the whole hog and put his hand up her arse.’
‘And the Lib-Dem acrobat didn’t even attempt a forward roll let alone a back-flip – instead he kept muttering something about England needing a safety net. Why didn’t he get off his backside and bring one then?’
Master Henderson reserved his strongest words for the Labour clown John O’Farrell. ‘When I saw his red shirt and comical tie, I thought the fun starts now. But I was a little suspicious when I noticed his shoes were 7 sizes too small. One of the journos asked the clown "tell us a joke John" but all he could say was "the best 5 jokes I know are all in the cabinet". Why the fuck he left his jokes in his cabinet if he couldn’t remember them I’ll never know?’
Henderson said that he was pleased to see the back of the media circus and would just stick to sport in future. ‘I’m really excited cos next week dad is taking me to the political football.’