Criminals claim they would be living a life of meaningless manufactured pop-stardom if they had not had the benefit of vicious underlass street life, it emerged today.
Speaking from the stairwell of his council estate high-rise, 22-year old gang member Lethal Trixx commented: "Honestly, some times I look back at how things have played out and I just cannot believe how lucky I have been.
"Cowell approached me a few years ago about being the token ethnic minority one for his band. And I have to say, I was tempted - ironically, I am actually quite a good singer. Thankfully I developed a crippling crack-cocaine addiction and swiftly moved into a life of petty crime to support it. I was one audition away from a lifetime of personal style consultants, calendar photoshoots, increasingly difficult sessions with vocal coaches and finally the welcoming embrace of Ant or Dec off of I'm A Celebrity.
"It doesn't bear thinking about."
Meanwhile One Direction band member Harry Styles said: "I'm pretty street, you know. If I punch a granny can I be in the gang? And I can rap like a crazy-arsed mother."