Britain’s defence ministry is to be wound up, with all funds diverted to the foreign aid budget, 'to ensure stability in underdeveloped countries', the Prime Minister announced today.
The move sees the whole of the existing defence spend of £46.4 bn moved from the now defunct MoD to the Department for International Development (DID), which will be headed by right-wing former Defence Minister Liam Fox.
Mr Cameron had come under fire from the left wing of his party, as well as Coalition partners, when he mooted that aid money should be used to compensate for cuts to the defence budget. This reversal in policy has taken his critics by complete surprise.
"The whole party and cabinet are throwing their full weight behind this initiative, including Eric Pickles and Ken Clark. You can't say fairer than that."
Cameron stated that only when there is regional security can developmental aid projects begin – and hopes eventually to spend a fraction of the money on aid.
"To further amortise costs we intend to co-opt donations by the public from Comic Relief and other major overseas charities into the DID in order to deliver, in lightning strikes, aid and peace to deeply broken, fragile states. Iran, North Korea and Syria, for example."
Mr Cameron said the DID, which has a current foreign aid budget of £15bn, would now have a combined spend of over £120bn.
"The move and additional charity funding means that a vastly enlarged Overseas Department will now be able to afford further strategic and tactical DID 'Development Assistance' operatives (to be known as DIDDYmen), Apache helicopters, IBMs, nuclear submarines, peace-keeping fighter jets, tanks and aircraft carriers - with planes equipped to land on them." he added.
"Our DIDDYmen will be there on the ground dishing out Yorkie bars and nylons to the needy and compliant, with heavily equipped Comic Relief drones in the air dispensing doses of their own medicine to the non-compliant."
"This initiative provides much needed succour to starving people, arms manufacturers and foreign despots throughout the world."
"Though the 'starving people' bit comes later. Maybe."
A DIDDYman dispenses strong medicine to the needy…