Scientists have discovered that certain female proles from the south-east of England use the size of a male prole’s penis to decide whether it is worth going out on a date with him.
Research suggests a long penis and membership to the ‘Eclipse’ nightclub in Brentwood make the male prole a more attractive proposition to the Essex female than say, a well stacked bookshelf, remembering birthdays or exemplary table manners.
Although virtually blind due to living in darkened nightclubs, the Essex Hottotty has a highly developed sense of smell and taste which it puts to expert use when selecting a prole penis for copulation and can tell with the slightest of touches whether they are in for a decent shag or not.
Easily identifiable by its piercing shriek and hacking cough, the Essex Hottotty mates almost exclusively on the back seat of a Mondeo or bricked-out bus shelter and only males with the biggest penis are given access to the prole love nest.
Male proles feed on the small worms, grubs and larvae found in abundance at any kebab house in Brentwood on a Saturday night, often regurgitating its food and beverage during the night as an offering to the female prole.
The proles are a solitary and polygamous species able to reproduce all year round, living mainly on benefits or the proceeds of petty crime and although not endemic to the south-east it has established colonies throughout Essex.
Research scientists say the average Essex prole has a very small penis and so the female prole will often sample up to a dozen proles in any one evening before settling on one to cop-off with, especially if out on a hen-night or friends funeral celebration.
‘The only point of the male prole is to shoot as much sperm inside the female as possible and hope its seed can beat all the other male sperms in the race to fertilise the female egg’. wrote Dr.Jason Beesley in this months Mammalian Journal ‘it’s a mating strategy that has kept the Essex Hottotty in Ameretto shots and Camisoles for generations and shows no signs of change for many years to come.
Not while ‘Eclipse’ continue to run the ‘all-you-can-drink for a tenner’ nights every other Thursday.
Penis size in the animal kingdom ‘does matter’ say scientists
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Scientists have discovered that certain female proles from the south-east of England use the size of a male prole’s penis to decide whether it is worth going out on a date with him.Posted 2 years ago #
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