Not sure if this will ease or exacerbate your anger Titus but I wrote this many years ago about bank tellers trying to sell you stuff in the days before cashpoints and electronic banking. Feel free to use, abuse or plagiarise.
You’re just a wunch of bankers
You haven’t got a clue
What do Customers really want? A short, fast-moving queue.
No, I don’t want anything else,
I don’t wanna chat
Just cash my cheque and pay my bills – can you manage that?
No. You try to sell me stuff
Stuff you say’s the best
To quote a ‘funny’ banker’s joke – I have no interest.
I don’t wanna gold account
I don’t want advice
From a nerdy teenage monetarist with spots, bad breath and lice.
I don’t want investments
I don’t wanna pension
I don’t want a ten year plan to fund a kitchen extension.
I don’t wanna overdraft
I don’t wanna loan
And I don’t wanna talk to Bangladesh when I call you on the phone.
I don’t want insurance
For my car or house or health,
You know, I didn’t come in here for the goodness of your wealth.
I don’t want your mortgage,
Or your credit card.
Just cash my cheque and pay my bills – why is that so hard?
If you go to the hospital
Complaining you’ve got gout.
Do they first of all enquire whether you’d like your tonsils out?
“How about a heart replacement?
Heart rates are very low.”
Not when you’re trying to sell me stuff and I keep shouting, “NO!!”
Meanwhile, unlike a hospital,
There is no patient queue,
No, there’s a growing impatient one. And that’s all down to you.
We all just want a tiny queue
When we nip in after lunch
Is that so hard to comprehend, you useless banking wunch?