Unemployed man offers to stalk forgotten celebrities for money
(16 posts) (8 voices)
Have some stars. All manner of possibilities with this.
Good idea - merits expansion
Don't know how this will work out, but I've given it a shot:
Kevin Lawrence of Leicester has been out of work for four years now, but he's not content to sit around and wait for someone to knock on his door with a job offer. He has come up with an idea which he thinks could make him some money and revolutionise the fame game in the process.
“I spend maybe seven or eight hours a day watching channels like UK Gold, and I'm constantly asking myself, 'Where are they now?' or 'Is he dead yet?' and I'm thinking what those failed stars need is a hand up with a good dose of stalking publicity”. Mr Lawrence says that for the right price he could give any of these unfortunates the sort of attention they haven't enjoyed in years.
He has devised a list of services in a descending order of roles – everything from the lovesick admirer who threatens to jump off a bridge, to the fan who merely recognises the hapless has-been at the local off-licence. “It depends what they can afford, really”, he says.
There has been some positive reaction from the entertainment industry. One 1980s game show host, who desperately wished to be named, said, “I have to admit to some pangs of jealousy when I read about a psychiatric patient being arrested in possession of a machete in some successful TV star's backyard”.
Meanwhile Keith Chegwin, no stranger to showbiz oblivion, hails this as a wonderful innovation, but regrets that it comes too late for him. "I'd have given anything for a service like that during my years as a resting TV star", he says. "I often remember stumbling home from the pub at night and looking hopefully around for someone lurking behind me, but to no avail. There were even days when I'd have welcomed a bit of excrement through my letterbox, but all I got was fliers from the local pizza outlet. If it wasn't for my comeback in Dancing on Ice, I'd probably be looking for this guy's number."
This whole idea almost sounds like a sensible enterprise - believability is always the mark of true satire. 5* from me.
I loved the quote: "One 1980s game show host, who desperately wished to be named ..."
Not sure about the last paragraph though. Seems to inject a sudden and inappropriate tone of sensible prudence and caution.
Fully agree with Titus, and the last para dilutes rather than reinforces (mixed metaphor there).
Why not suggest some candidates: Keith Chegwin, Ben Elton, Jimmy Hill, etc, with a little anecdote.
Thanks for the suggestions, I took your advice on the ending, though I don't know if I rounded it off quite right.
Keith Chegwin, no stranger to showbiz oblivion
Nice work sydalG
Er...might you be NB's very first cross dresser?
It's OK, you've come to the right place.
You're with friends here.
They're very supportive.
Since becoming a forgotten celebrity stalker Kevin has been offered his own reality TV show with Sky, a magazine deal with Closer and will be appearing on Day Break.
Change 'money' for 'cash' in the title. Not really sure why, makes the whole venture sound more grubby?
Agree with that. I'd also probably spell "off-licence" like this.
Also, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but the story might lack a little edge, or old-fashioned nastiness. Don't be shy, get stuck in.
Too late to edit the title, but "cash" would likely be better.
How 'bout (either as a final para, or elsewhere) sudden difficulties due to the would-be stalker not being able to remember what the ex-celebrities looked like, and no-one being able to find any photographs anywhere ... or what they were well-known for ... or what their names were...?
Wants to be better worded that that, though. Anyone?
I really liked the story too. Good luck with it sydalg!
Thanks, PB, if it's not put up I'll blame the Eastleigh by-election.
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