It has been revealed that the hall in the Kentish village of Barton Hazeldene is being used for a twice-weekly anger management course exclusive to super villains. Towering psychopaths such as the Joker, Lex Luthor and Voldermort have been gathering to sit on uncomfortable chairs and pour out their innermost feelings.
A recent meeting saw emotions running high as Sauron confessed to inciting an army of Orcs and to being a Peeping Tom. “I couldn’t help myself” he wept. “I had this all seeing eye, and that woman over the road was always having a shower with the blinds up. Then I had this argument with the local council over planning consent for a large tower, and one thing led to another.”
While later on Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith spoke hauntingly of being unable to cope: "I lost both legs, both arms, my wife, and my kids. Obi Wan hasn’t spoken to me in over 20 years, and Yoda refuses to return my calls.”
Public reaction has been hostile with the government being besieged with protests over public money being used in this way however the scheme was defended by local MP Sir Peter Leishmann who said: "What people fail to realise is that in the setting up and support of this group we are making Britain safer for everyone. Look at the Cloverfield monster. Yes, apparently he turns up late to meetings and just grunts but I've been told that he seems to sincerely regret destroying New York and treading on lots of people and on a recent day trip to London didn't smash a single building even though he appeared to find Madame Tusseuds extremely disappointing."
A spokesperson for the super-villains, Elektra King, said that the meetings were vital in helping them "rehabilitate back into society and learn to love ourselves. And anyway,” she added, “we have to meet in the hall because it's got wheelchair ramps and without them the Daleks get the arse."
by Carter & Quaz