David Cameron has embarked on a major apologies tour of former Commonwealth and British colonies whilst sealing new deals in the UK’s booming entertainment industry.
Dubbed the Ain’t Misbehavin’ tour, a government spokesman said, “As well as the regular outfit of arms dealers, carpetbaggers and bent politicians a star studded entourage is also on hand. It includes influential figures from the UK’s entertainment industry who will attempt to heal old wounds with torch songs and offers of lucrative theatrical collaborations.
Sir Elton John is reportedly ready to accompany the Prime Minister in renditions of Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word and Candle in the Wound, along with international female impersonator Roxy Rivers who will perform the Edith Piaf classic, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, while strapped to the front of a cannon in a sequinned burka.
Speaking from the first leg of his tour where he had talks with Bollywood star Aamir Khan, the PM outlined plans for a collaboration in a major Anglo-Indian musical The Raj Armour Game which will be “Bigger then Les Miserables and with a lot more misery” and loosely based on the Amritsar massacre in 1919. “We hope to draw a final line in the sand once and for all for this unfortunate atrocity. But if anyone crosses it they'll be severely dealt with.”
In the meantime Deputy Prime Minister and chief understudy, Nick Clegg is brushing up on his tap dancing skills and concentrating on his speciality slip-and-side-step.
In a surprise announcement Mr Cameron also announced plans for a remake of Mamma Mia! a musical celebration of the government’s involvement in kickbacks in a helicopter deal with Anglo-Italian company AgustaWestland, for which “we definitely won’t be apologising. Oh and my great friend, Cameron Macintosh has also indicated that we can use his chopper from Miss Saigon.”
The next leg of the tour takes the prime Minister to the Irish Republic where special performances of Easter Parade and Blood Brothers will take place outside the General Post Office as a sort of apology for events in 1916.