Roll up, roll up, roll up to the Eastleigh by-election circus. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is our pleasure to welcome you, for a few days only, to the Greatest Show On Earth. Or at least the most exciting thing to happen in Eastleigh since someone denied and then later admitted to driving their car too fast.
Our fourteen attractions combine circus acts with a freak show to offer a broad spectrum of entertainment for all the family, although we acknowledge that comedy act Beer, Baccy and Crumpet is more likely to appeal to an adult audience. However, your children will undoubtedly be charmed by the combination of fancy dress and cuddly animals offered by Elvis Loves Pets.
Enjoy the spectacle of English Democrat and Wessex Regionalist competing to cut the Britannia Lady into different parts, and prepare to be amazed at the sight of Christian and Peace battling against each other in the ring. Other performers include a National Health Service Disillusionist and a Monster Raving Loony to bring a touch of sanity to the proceedings.
But the highlights of the show are undoubtedly the main acts. Gasp in awe as you witness amazing publicity stunts and false promises – you won’t be able to believe your eyes or ears. Witness the wild animals of the press indulging in an unscrupulous feeding frenzy of gossip, speculation and scurrilous rumour. And laugh at the antics of the clowns, falling over each other to distance themselves from reported stories from their recent and not-so-recent past.
No by-election circus experience would be complete without special guest appearances by a series of Ringmasters, or Party Leaders as they are also known, and Eastleigh features the Big Top’s favourites . With their glib endorsements of their newly-discovered favourite performers and ability to completely ignore their own Party’s failings, these are acts you must not miss.
And when the show is over, you will be asked to vote for your favourite act or, more accurately, the one you hate least. The act that gets the most votes will be invited to take a seat in the biggest circus of them all where The Show Must Go On. And On. And On.