The food scandal reached new heights (or should that be depths) today as it emerged 43% of sheep and lamb products sold in supermarkets, butchers and fast food outlets contains large amounts of human semen.
A spokesperson said: “Sheep shagging has been going on since time immemorial, but we never knew it was this widespread.”
Experts believe it is the result of male internet trolls: “After a hard days trolling and slagging people off on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and media comment areas etc etc, when it gets dark the trolls venture out for some peeping tom-foolery, have a large kebab then go fuck a sheep” said one “this activity is a daily routine for a troll.”
The Food Standards Agency immediately commissioned the urgent design of chastity belts for sheep, but insisted there is no danger of catching an STD as trolls do not have girlfriends.
A kebab shop owner said: “Yeah, we regularly spit, piss and flick bogeys into kebabs, but these trolls are beyond sick.”
When informed of the findings, a troll posted on the FSA Facebook page: “Tell the FSA he’s an ugly cunt with a huge arse, so are fucking kebab shops and sheep.”