The tinned foods aisle of a Wirral-based branch of Asda is locked in a bitter blood feud over the who should price up the mushy peas, according to reports. The rival clans from Hoylake and West Kirby have amassed personal wealth estimated to be in the thousands after putting in extra night shifts at the store’s branch in Woodchurch.
The rift dates back to 2001 when a group of Asda Aces led by ‘Steve’ split from those led by ‘Colin’ over a carelessly-stacked batch of Winalot mixer. A geological survey at the time concluded that earth tremors posed a ‘significant risk’ to batches of dog food stacked over four feet high, but Colin pressed on with his hare-brained scheme, insisting he needed to maximise space to accommodate two hundred tins of Cesar.
In the event a tremor set off by a passing lorry led to a cascade of tins, three of which struck Steve on his elbow causing substantial bruising and momentary nausea. ‘I was very lucky,’ said Steve, ’Cesar had been recently rebranded from Mr Dog, the tins of which were less streamlined. Had it been Mr Dog I would’ve been eating through a straw by now. ‘I’ll never forgive that lowlife bastard.’
The latest dispute centres on Aisle 13, a notoriously grey area. Last night police were called to the store when Steve’s mate Darren threatened Colin with a pricing gun after the pair attempted to label the same tin of Harry Ramsden’s peas – a bargain at 39p.
DS Jack Brine said ‘The use of a pricing gun marks a disturbing trend. We are witnessing a power shift with Steve’s gang, who traditionally control aisles 14 to 20, attempting to make inroads into aisles 1 to 13, which with the exception of bleach and household cleaning products, is Colin’s turf.‘
‘We understand that Steve has vowed to extend his empire from tinned peas to the adjacent aisle 12 containing Fray Bentos meat pies and packet ‘mashed potato and has instructed his gang to mark the aisle out as their territory by hanging their training shoes from the overhead lighting.
Colin said ‘For generations my ‘family’ have held exclusive rights to stack and price up aisle 13 as agreed by the previous store manager Phil Wilson, a good guy who sadly didn’t make it. Steve is dirty underhanded scum just like his Granddaddy.’ Colin added
‘Today I woke up to find a packet of dubiously sourced frozen lasagne on my pillow. Anymore of this and I’m applying to study Geology at Keele.’