Britain’s economic output is being put at ‘serious risk’, according to the office of national statistics, because of the amount of time wasted at work with people searching for or creating ‘horse-based jokes and puns’. The report states ‘this hurdle to economic growth leaves us racing towards a decline in GDP and an odds-on certainty of a triple dip recession. We need everyone to change course because this Ascott out of hand.’
A survey by the pollsters ‘Gallop’ has shown 92% of people have been affected by the horse joke epidemic, with half of those saying they have been groomed online. The spread of equine humour has been humanely put down to the surprise discovery of horse meat in supermarket food and revelation that abattoirs in this country kill horses for meat. One expert said ‘the process is the same as other animals. They are stunned, killed and in what is a final insult to a horse, he is hung like a cow.’
This is the first major scandal involving horses since the year two thousand a-neigh-t, when a man had his hands cut off for stealing metal horse accessories in Gloucestershire, where they still practice ‘farrier law’. Eyewitnesses at the time reported being shoed away.
The report’s author has warned that people are now choosing not to work, opting instead to try and get their horse joke fix on the black-beauty market. ‘Some really bad quality jokes are selling for as much as a Grand; National action must now be taken’ he claims, a suggestion rejected by work and pensions secretary, William Haygue.
The conclusion of the report has saddled the Government with the blame, and says the open trade of horse jokes on our high street is needed. ‘The benefit of allowing shops to sell horse jokes and puns would help us get back to a stable economy. We propose launching the scheme with a sale on jokes about horse hair being the mane event.’
Horse Joke shops are now available in all major shopping centaurs.