Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad, has claimed to have ‘really quite good’ information that proves Iran is secretly testing secret meteorites, deep inside a secret cavern in the secret Zagros mountain range.
Speaking from inside a bin to protect his identity, Mossad agent Golan Aharoni ejected a small pebble from his hiding place, thought to be a ‘key component’ to the deadly space rock. “Our agents bravely retrieved this evidence, some of them without the protection of a bin”, echoed Aharoni. “This is clearly part of a larger geological plot to crush Israel, and send shock waves throughout the Middle East.”
Aharoni described how the meteorite was first spotted on Google Earth, which led to an undercover mission to excavate holes all over the Iranian countryside. “Using our most discrete bombing methods, we have unearthed a large portion of their ‘smoking rock’”, mumbled the man from Mossad. “We were shocked to find a meteorite the size of Iran under development. It's just a matter of time before they develop a missile capable of launching it.”
Aharoni warned other world leaders that it wasn’t just Israel that was at risk, and insisted the Iranians were also developing smaller meteorites that could be hidden in a suitcase. Undetectable to airport X-rays but admittedly quite hard to carry, Aharoni suggested it was just a ‘matter of time’ before a really strong terrorist delivered one to London, New York or Paris.
To emphasise the threat, Mossad has made a video of a meteorite simulation, in which a cheesecake is smashed to pieces by a man with a hammer. “Imagine that the hammer is a rock, and then imagine that the imaginary rock is a theoretical meteorite, roughly 800 miles across”, suggested Aharoni. “I don’t know about you, but I quite like cheesecake, so these bastards must be stopped.”
But some in Israel fear that the detective work may have come too late, and that micro-meteorites could already have been smuggled into the region. The evidence is compelling: a child digging foundations for his family in the disputed West Bank found an improvised stone recently, with ‘Iranian plot’ written all over it.
“Oddly enough it was written in Hebrew, but they probably use that as a code in Iran”, explained Aharoni. “But if we’re to fight fire with fire, we’ll need more land. Somewhere about the size of Palestine should do it.”