Ed Miliband launched an emergency tax initiative today to try to tow his beleaguered party to safety after having been left drifting without power for nearly three years. The party, which had been on a thirteen year cruise, lost all direction after hitting a depression that formed in the U.S., travelled across the Atlantic and made landfall on Europe’s shores in 2007.
Conditions within the party are said to be terrible, with members complaining of policies overflowing from non-functioning think tanks and causing a terrible stench. “Because the party has no forward momentum, it has become unstable”, said one member, “it’s making us all sick”.
The popular expenses gravy train, which is a highlight of the party experience and a reason many choose it as a destination has had to be cancelled, causing much hardship and discontentment. Margaret Moran, a regular, has had to be confined to her cabin after being discovered to have gravy covered all over her.
The party was built in the early 19th Century, when the great northern party yards were at their peak and has had a successful career, despite being badly damaged in the early ‘80s after being used as a troop party in the Falklands war. Many blame First Sealord at the time, Margaret Thatcher for a period of decline which lasted until 1997 when a dry dock saw it emerge as a shiny new vessel that embarked on the now ill fated journey. At its helm, a fresh faced young Captain Blair who with his 1st mate Mandelson at his side saw the party into the 20th Century.
It is now accepted though, the party was ill equipped to face the biggest storm in history, with too many champagne bars and nightclubs replacing traditional coal power and ballast that the party was built on. The party’s purser, Gordon Brown is also thought to have contributed to its current predicament by blowing the contents of the holding company’s safe whilst on shore leave in Atlantic City. Mr Brown also took over the command of the party after a small mutiny displaced Captain Blair who was cast adrift, only to wash up on the shore of a luxury island in the sun. It was Brown’s light touch steering that was in effect when the 2007 storm hit.
Miliband took over control when Brown was hung from the yardarm in 2010, following an accidental announcement on the party’s P.A. system when everyone heard him say the Queen was a Nazi.