Installing CCTV cameras everywhere in the United Kingdom has failed to make the British public any better-looking or better-dressed, the Government has revealed.
Home Secretary Theresa May made the announcement after a review of CCTV policy by the new government. ‘We did support the previous administration’s initiative to encourage the British people to glam up a bit by putting them on camera all the time,’ she said. ‘But it turns out that it hasn’t really worked and that, despite being constantly watched, the nation is still as fugly as it was in 1997.’
The incoming government has decided to reduce the number of cameras in Britain by a third over the next few years, dumping a Liberal Democrat manifesto commitment to switch the nation’s CCTV cameras to HD. ‘Thank God the Tories made us axe that one,’ said Lynne Featherstone, Lib Dem junior minister at the Home Office. ‘What were we thinking? You want to watch Doctor Who in HD, not some crowd of porky, pimply commuters waddling around at Euston Station. Until people get a bit of respect and stop buying their clothes from Primark, they can have all the civil liberties they want – we’re not interested in watching them, no matter how grainy the footage.’ She went on to confirm that the plan will save £1.2bn next year, money which will be spent on encouraging Trinny and Susannah to make a new series of What Not to Wear.
‘We’re pretty disappointed,’ said former Home Secretary Alan Johnson. ‘When we came to power we thought that if we put CCTV in all over the place, people would make a bit of an effort – you know, lose a bit of weight, put on a bit of slap, dress a bit nicer. Fat chance.’ He refused to be drawn on whether one of his predecessors, David Blunkett, could be blamed for not pushing the policy hard enough in the first few years of the Blair government. ‘The man was blind, you know,’ Johnson insisted. ‘To be honest I toyed with going the same way myself, especially when they came to me and asked if they could put in those full-body scanners at our airports. They made me look at photos. I mean, Christ, there’s a lot of fat people out there flying in and out of the country. It’s worse than terrorists. Oh, God...the photos.’