Tests carried out by reading the label on a packet of Waitrose luxury muesli have revealed that it contains a large percentage of horse food. As a result, all supermarkets are removing muesli products from their shelves ‘as a precautionary measure’.
‘This is not seen as an issue of public health or even fraud,’ said Environment Secretary Owen Paterson. ‘It’s more an apology for the way the British public have been duped into buying, and in certain parts of the Home Counties, actually eating rubbish that’s only fit for animals. We have discovered in recent days that horse meat is tasty and healthy, and we should be shovelling all this crap into horses so we can eat them instead.’
An official said the main offending substance is oats, but muesli also contains other grains fed to horses. In fact, many well-off horses are fed special horse muesli that looks and tastes very similar to the human version, the main difference being that these products are labelled horse feed instead of horse food.
Muesli entered the human food chain in Britain as part of a little-known scam towards the end of the 20th century when Swiss and other unscrupulous foreigners needed to dump large horse feed surpluses, and the product arrived complete with a manufactured myth about its history, its delicious taste and its supposed health benefits.
Prior to the introduction of muesli, oats were only eaten by poor people in workhouses and Scotland, their sole other purpose being as a source of wisecracks about getting enough sex.