God dealt out some home-truths on Tuesday night, following his thunderous statement of intent - striking The Vatican with a lightning bolt. Oprah Winfrey was joined by the deity for a 30-minute special interview to be aired at the weekend, and hell, it was quite a sermon!
Asked whether the bolt was from the blue or Himself, God apotheosised, “You’re bloody right it was me. He thinks he can just fucking resign? First of all, I never said anything to anyone about having a Pope, but if you’re going to have one, don’t just cop out. Second, they’ve been doing a pretty crap job anyway – the dickheads have risen to the top of the world, while the meek and mild, like Martine McCutcheon, are living on scraps. Something had to be done, for fuck’s sake,” He tailed off.
Sources say there was a tense atmosphere during recording, with one runner reportedly shitting himself. Oprah wore a royal blue, satin dress-thing with a big bow made from ribbon on it and looked simply radiant. Remaining composed throughout, Oprah allowed God to get things off his chest, and asked if he had any other plans before alighting the night-train to the great beyond.
“I’ve a few things to tidy up, yeah. But it’s not like I can just perform a miracle here, sprinkle some fairy dust there. It’s much more complicated than that. I’ve got a massive admin team up there, working around the clock to make sure things get done, but it’s hard with so many people to judge.” Turning to the camera, He exclaimed, “Guys! Wear a glove! Fuck’s sake.”
But what of his business with The Vatican and outgoing Pope? “I think the lightning thing will cause enough squeaky bums for the time being,” He smiled, revealing His compassionate side for the first time.
The interview segued from nuclear apocalypse to desert island discs. The Electric Light Orchestra – “Even I was surprised by that,” Waka Jawaka by Frank Zappa – “I still listen to that and think, ‘what the fuck is he on about?!’” and Gabrielle - “Beautiful voice. Classic. End of.” But while Oprah and Big G contemplated the trivialities of modern life, a more sinister side to everlasting life was unfurling.
Sources close to E! News say all is not well upstairs, and the corridors of power are now more the corridors of uncertainty. Speaking to our man on the inside, an admin worker who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “It was better working for Royal Mail in the 90s. I’ve got paper coming out of my arse, millions of unread emails and a supervisor on my case about shit that, frankly, I couldn’t care less about.”
Unions are currently locked in talks with some celestial bigwigs over possible strike action against long working hours and low pay, and there’s even of taking God to the European Court of Justice over a breach of the Working Time Directive. A spokesman said they couldn’t comment while talks were ongoing: “I couldn’t comment while talks are ongoing. Thank you.” Thank you.