Red slippers, celibacy and theism were just some of the “frankly embarrassing mistakes” which His Holiness, the outgoing Benedict XVI, announced to a shocked crowd this afternoon.
Between sipping from a pint of Jack Daniels and drawing on a cigarette, the Pope said, “Yeah, I made shit loads of mistakes. What are you going to do about it?”
The ensuing paradox, which briefly threatened to consume Vatican City, was swiftly contained by Cardinal Schrodinger from the Vatican Paradox Unit. “Nothing his Holiness said is in any way a mistake,” he reassured crowds of panicked faithful who had gathered in the newly created St Mark’s squared circle. “His Holiness is entirely correct about those slippers. They were never going to catch on. He looked like an idiot.”
Commentators have also observed that Papal Infallibility remains intact despite the logical implications of Benedict’s announcement. “By definition, the Pope cannot make mistakes,” said Alessandro Stolto of the newspaper Catholicism Yesterday. “He was simply pointing out how correct he was about his wrongness.”
“It’s really difficult to get your head around it”, said one worried Catholic. “Luckily, we’ve been told to just ignore the logic of what we’re hearing. And we’ve got some form in that area, so I think everything’s going to be fine.”