The Pontiff will break with centuries of papal tradition by retiring to a villa in a gated community on the Florida Keys, surrounded by his loving family, rather than dying in bed, aged 94, alone except for a cabal of scheming Cardinals, hatching machiavellian plots. He is realistic about his time as leader of the Catholic Church, and God’s representative here on earth.
“The best part about being Pope was the hats”, he said. “You might imagine that Papal Infallibility was the deal-breaker, but, well, once the novelty has worn off, it’s a bit of a drag, frankly. It gets boring being right all the time. You’re trying to have a lively discussion down the pub, with a bunch of cardinals, and all they do is kiss your ring and agree with every word you say. And they never make a joke about ‘kissing my ring’, like any normal guys would. Even when I suggest the Vatican gift shop should start selling ‘Pope on a rope’ bathroom novelties, these guys never crack a smile.
“My biggest regret was that, unlike my predecessor, John Paul II, in 1982, I was never lucky enough to meet Jimmy Savile. He was a personal hero of mine - Jimmy Savile, I mean, not John Paul II - for getting away with abusing children for so many years... while looking like what you’d get if you asked a talented artist to ‘draw someone who looks like a paedophile’. They say you can’t fool all the people all of the time, but Saint Jimmy - bless him - demonstrated that you can. Apparently, he even ‘fixed it’ for me to be Pope! Truly, as my wife always says, 'God moves in mysterious ways'.”...