Guys, you are the Harry Redknapp of the world of romance. Not much of a looker and in pretty desperate times with little hope of salvation. But you have an eye for tactics, and the transfer window is just about to open. For one day only.
Yes, guys, it is time to make your move (not that one Grandad, jeez), so pay attention and make sure you keep your eye off the ball. You can watch football later.
You enter the arena. Although the best options are taken, there is still hope for that free transfer, and the prospect of making a real killing. Well sort of. You really are scraping the barrel now so don't get too excited. Also, don't do a real killing. You'll attract psychopaths and possibly rodents.
Look a woman! Right there!
Whoa, steady on, it's not that easy. For starters, that's just an advert for Alzheimer's awareness and that woman is 70. So how can you pick out the mares from the donkeys? Try the carrot on a string trick. If that works, it's probably a donkey. These creatures tend not to be the smartest, and they need a good wash twice a day to stay decent. If the carrot fails, start dangling more desirable objects her way. (Note: do not try penis yet.)
There are only hours to sniff out the gold, but gold has no smell, and even if it did, you'd struggle to detect it through that half bottle of aftershave you put on. Twat. That level of aftershave means only one thing. Your screwing technique leaves something to be desired. That was just a lid for feck's sake, it doesn't bode well for more difficult manoeuvres.
Use your eyes. If you can't tell if it's a woman or not from less than 20 meters away, don't touch it. It's probably that houseplant again. Similarly, if you have to use your binoculars, she's probably not interested.
Use your friends to track down possible targets. Not your single friends. They aren't the sort of company to have around when in the market for someone with reasonably able eyes or more than half a brain. If these don’t bother you there's always that woman on the advert (see above).
Use caution. Play it right and there may be the odd woman who'll be willing to bite your hand off. Be aware of this potentiality and keep those hands close. You might need them later.
Use protection. Sometimes the big ones get rowdy. Wear kneepads and keep that tube of Savlon close.