The Vatican has strongly denied allegations that it allowed papal material to enter the food chain, after DNA tests confirmed the presence of "up to 100% pope meat in Tesco Finest sausages.
'Pontifical contamination could have come from anywhere they have a pope' said a Vatican spokesman. 'Yes, we happen to have an ex-successor to St Peter who disappeared without warning, but you cannot infer from that any wrongdoing on the part of our highly efficient abattoir run by Jesuitical butchers.'
Catholic officials were quick to point to the recent demise of Pope Shenouda, head of the Coptic Church, and the clear need of Egyptians to "make a quick bob or two" at the moment.
'Besides, what's all the fuss about?' continued the spokesman. 'Even if fragments of the holy father did end up as part of a tasty breakfast, rather than in a highly cash-draining care home, it would be through transubstantiation. Our machine - sorry God - has an amazing way of turning flesh into bread.'