Surprise new Pontiff Silvio Berlusconi told Catholics he will lead the Church into an exciting new era of sleaze and depravity that would make past perversions seem positively puritanical.
‘Now I have the power to forgive my own sins I intend to forgive myself daily for sins that haven’t even been thought of yet – but trust me, I’ll think of them’ said His Holiness.
Berlusconi’s lack of any Nazi past meant he was seen as an outsider for the role but his sheer lack of any moral compass whatsoever eventually won over the doubters and he was duly ordained with a ceremonial lapdance – described by onlookers as ‘very moving.’
New special Papal Advisor, 19 year old Ruby The Heartstealer, said Pope Berlusconi had graciously forgiven her and other underage prostitutes for committing lewd and indecent acts at his bunga bunga parties and promised to forgive her for all future lewd and indecent acts she has been asked to perform.
While Berlusconi recognised his Papacy could alienate many traditional believers His Perviness moved quickly to alienate them even further by stating that he ‘doesn’t give a shit.’
He answered accusations he had committed extreme blasphemy by saying he didn’t know what that was but was looking forward to trying it with some underage call-girls at his next bunga bunga party.