After his stunt double was caught smoking in public last week, Nick Clegg has been forced to admit he uses an actor, Malcolm, to deliver damning news to the public and perform other deeds which may cause irrevocable damage to his own soul.
"With so many broken promises to explain and so much grovelling to do, I simply couldn't find time to address you, the public, myself", said Clegg's stunt double in a personal interview.
Additional duties 'close to David Cameron' are thought to have kept Mr Clegg's hands busy recently, meaning he has had even less time to be weak-kneed with his own knees. Labour leader, Ed Miliband, described Clegg as "too spineless to even be spineless in person."
Clegg disclosed on Radio 4's Desert Island Discs that his children don't even know he smokes, let alone that he uses a double.
The deceitful behaviour has already had grave consequences on family life. "I can't believe things got so low in his life that he has had to resort to this", said a close family member. "Of all the people to be a stunt double for, why him?", bemoaned Malcolm's wife.