Whatever happened to the TV host Matthew Kelly?
Matthew Erasmus Kelly began his glittering career with West Combine Television in 1976. He was the popular face of such shows as The Duck Must Go and Show Mum Your Pants. However, his career took a tumble in the late 90s when he was accused of fingering kids. He was later cleared, but mud sticks and he currently lives in Vietnam and works as paediatricianophile.
Emily Droole, Orbalz
Emily Droole is like a sewage overflow pipe – she spouts shit. Matthew Kelly is dead! I know so because I was the first to discover his body. After his fall from grace for bumming youngsters, Kelly spent a few years working in a petrol station. He never fully recovered, however, and finally took his own life in a woods near his home. Bizarrely, he killed himself by cutting one wrist and taking several co-proximal tablets. Intriguingly, Kelly was allergic to knives. Many of us Kelly fans fear a conspiracy afoot, the details of which are outlined in my recent book The Highly Suspicious Death Of Matthew Kelly, now available on Amazon.
Clint Gorge, Quocktonborough
If Clint Gorge is so sure that Matthew Kelly is dead, then how come the cunt’s mowing my lawn as I write this missive? After his spell of bother with the authorities over the incident that saw him raping various juveniles, Kelly drifted away from television and became a handyman. He’s a popular figure in our village and a decent man, despite what he might have done to those poor little mites. Clearly Gorge is a desperate simpleton who is attempting to dupe the public into buying his crass tome of lies and hackery. As for Emily Droole, what a total helmet. Kelly didn’t host Show Mum Your Pants. That was Jonathan King. What the silly bitch is probably thinking of is the show Whose Finger Was That?, a rival show that aired at the same time and that was indeed presented by Kelly.
Yousoff Smust, Pannlydale