Downtrodden husbands across the UK are demanding that murderers and serial killers 'step up to the plate' after it was announced that an episode of Coronation Street had to be cancelled in the wake of a recent shooting spree.
Oldham plasterer David Shewstone, 43, is one of the many British males calling for this escalation, after being forced to record the final episode of FlashForward while his wife watched the omnibus edition of Eastenders: 'bloody typical that my recorder went and cut off the last few minutes, so I'm still none the wiser. Now I read that Eastenders' producers had to re-shoot a scene when some bloke tries to strangle a prostitute 'cos of what happened in the news - well I say keep it up lads and they'll cancel the whole bloody thing!'
Retired Maidenhead milliner Colin Thrope echoes this sentiment: 'I don't get a look in on our telly. If it's not Doctors it's Neighbours, then it's Hollyoaks or Emmerdale. I might get to watch a bit of cricket when Eastenders is on because the wife reckons it's not the same since Dirty Den died, but then it's back to repeats of Albion Market on UK Gold and I'm relegated to portable in the spare room again. I few choice swathes of bloody destruction that cleverly mirrored these programs would see a whole new world of TV viewing opened up to us blokes.'
The campaign to escalate the number of violent crimes in Britain has gained a greater urgency with the forthcoming World Cup, with many husbands vying for control of the TV remote during the tournament. 'It's imperative that soap opera production is delayed as much as possible while the footie's on,' claimed one frustrated viewer, 'unless we lose to the USA, in which case the army of raving psychopaths we've encouraged to let themselves loose on innocent members of society can pack up their grisly tools and go back to quietly keeping themselves to themselves whilst seething with resentment - at least until the darts is on.'