An investigation is to be launched after as much as 100% whores' DNA has been found in several frozen products on supermarket shelves. The contaminated foodstuffs, on sale in the UK and Ireland are believed to have originated in a Dutch processing plant on the outskirts of Amsterdam. The general manager of the Red Light Ready Meals, Ruud Van Man declined an interview this morning but issued the following statement: 'We are unaware of any contamination in our products but will continue to assist the authorities in establishing whether there are indeed prostitutes in our meals'.
The company, which also has premises in Bangkok, Las Vegas and Soho has a history of questionable ingredients in its meals dating back to a line of pies from a factory adjacent to a Fleet Street barber shop in 1847. The managing director of the company at the time, Mr S. Todd escaped prosecution due to lack of evidence but rebranded the products, changed his name to 'Jack' and after a short period plying his wares in the Whitechapel area of London then moved the business to Holland.
A spokesman for DEFRA said they were tipped off by staff observing some customers late at night, moving their trolleys slowly along the aisles and after a brief negotiation, one or sometimes two of the meals would enter the trolley to be then wheeled off at speed to an unknown location.
Supermarket staff were unrepentant when approached by journalists today, "It's the oldest profession" said one, "If these people can't find it anywhere else, all they are left with is our meals", said another.
Lord Archer has been asked to head the enquiry which he apparently has agreed to do for a £2,000 fee.
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