Top-level job-jockey NHS bureaucrats were congratulating themselves today on meeting their key performance target of over 3000 needless deaths.
The key milestone was reached on Tuesday after pensioner Stan Mills died of thirst three days after vigilant carers moved his flower vase just out of reach. Mr Mills had previously selfishly tried to stay alive while occupying a bed desperately needed for other patients clamouring to die of severe neglect.
‘We’re trying to change the public’s perception of hospital’s being places that provide compassionate care and effective treatment.’ said an NHS spokescunt. ‘We want people to be assured that scrimping every possible penny for patient care while paying ourselves pig- trough salaries is most certainly our first priority.’
‘Giving a shit about vulnerable people in need is, of course, our last.’
The NHS is now trialling a range of innovative ‘neglect’ measures designed to save even more money so the real beating heart of any effective hospital system – bureaucrats and middle-managers – can have real hope of a substantial increase in bonus.
Hospital-bound ambulance crews will be told to park up for a few hours to remove the immediate need of patients for expensive emergency room treatment.
‘We’ve discovered that if ambulances take ages to get patients back to A & E the demand for trauma surgery and the like falls significantly, thus making, sorry saving us a packet.’
And hospital meals were surprisingly found to be actually prolonging the lives of patients rather than helping to kill them as previously thought, so these will be phased out altogether.
‘We feel that patients not eating at all should deliver us much increased positive negative outcomes,’ said the NHS spokescunt, before brilliantly adding the completely unnecessary bureaucratic buzzphrase ‘going forward,’ to the sentence, lending yet more credence to his official title.