With the Internet becoming more and more popular, you may have heard of a thing called a 'Facebook'. Although you may initially think this is some kind of photo album, or a catalogue of police photofits, this guide will show you it's something far more trivial. So get ready to be liked, shared and poked as we lead you through this 'Idiots guide to... Facebook'
Once you sign up to the Facebook, the first thing you will notice is that you are the least popular person in the world with absolutely no friends. This may sound a little bit strange, especially as you have just come back from a party with all those close to you, but they no longer count. However all is not lost. You can search for, and accept 'friend requests' from people you have not seen for 20 years and had no intention of ever meeting again. Although you have the choice to 'ignore a friend request, it is a criminal offence to do so. The sentence for this is doubled if the person you reject is wearing a bikini in their profile picture.
By now you should have a few friends on your list, although anything less than 350 does make you socially inept. This is where the communication side of the Facebook comes into its own through the use of the 'chat' function. Every now and then A message will come up from that old school friend you barely remember that says 'Hi'. In the real world, this is the equivalent of leaving your window ever so slightly open and a neighbour taking that as an invitation to pop their head in for a conversation. This first conversation with the near stranger will feel awkward, but keep the 'chat' to no more than a 'hi' back and a 'how are you' and you'll find they eventually give up.
So now you are more popular than you ever thought with more friends than people you've ever met, you are ready to start 'updating your status'. In days gone by an updated status would usually involve a title and a ceremony with the Queen, but on the Facebook it is far more mundane. Basically it is just telling people things that they probably don't want to know. As a new user, feel free to keep your update to a simple 'just woken up, oh I'm tired LOL', however as time goes by these updates can range from what you are having for dinner, to letting everyone know every detail of how depressed you are about the latest X-Factor contestant voted off. A true master of the update will post a simple 'why me?' or ':(', ensuring a wave of people letting you know they are there for you whilst offering philosophical advice that would make Joey Barton blush.
If you have got this far you are a) doing really well and 2) probably addicted to the Facebook. So now you are ready to commit your time to getting high scores and beating your friends. Have you ever dreamed of building a city, running a farm or spending hours moving jewels into lines of three or more? Then you will love this section. Games are a big part of the Facebook and give you the opportunity to live your dreams through you PC. Just like real life, if you find you are getting nowhere on the games, you can buy success. If you still have a 'real' job by this point, you can use your hard earned money to buy bonuses so all your friends will see how great and talented you are.
The final part of this guide is photo sharing. Have you ever heard the groan of someone when they realise you are about to show them pictures of your kids? Well worry no more, you can show them every picture you have ever taken of your little darlings without ever having to see the rolling of their eyes. And why stop at your kids. Unlimited pictures of your holidays, pets and even burnt cupcakes you've baked are all really interesting to the rest of the world.
So here ends the idiots guide to Facebook. You now have all you need all the skills needed to spend the rest of you life checking your friends updates, liking pictures of people holding bits of paper and playing games that make you look more skilled than you really are. However we leave you with one word of warning. Remember to separate real life from your new virtual world. Poking people, telling strangers about the things you 'like', and Laughing Out Loud at ugly babies may see you get committed into the nearest mental health institution.