Herpes(01 june - 07 July) - You will find yourself out of crunchy nut cornflakes. You have got normal conrflakes but they arent quite as good. A man named Dave will present you with a lovely gift – but only if he’s your dad!.
Magic colour is bakewell tart white and your number is 4
Coprophilia(08 july - 16 July) - This week proves to be wet for you. Everyone else will thinks it’s nice and dry and sunny and try to get you to come outside but YOU know better. Beware old ladies named Edna Williams of 59 Mercer Road, Hacton-On-The-Wold.
Lucky fruit is Plum and your number is Thrice
Mauritius (17 July - 17 July 12Pm) - Look out! Behind you! Oh, sorry I thought I saw something.
power tool is the Hammer Drill and your day is wednesday
Christmas(17 July 12:01Pm - 29 August) - You will move to 29 wintergardens, Evesham. Friday brings expected things, like work and oooh, theres a birthday in the office. cake!
Your lucky Heather is Locklear and your power time is 21:21:21 last Thursday
Baranabum (30 August - 10 November)- Good luck shines on you as Jupiter rises in your Mars region following an orbit shaped like Terry Wogans hedge trimmer. Stake your mortgage on SteveWeaveCleaveSalve in the 3:53 at Chepstow.
Your magic power is X-ray vision and your Lucky TV show is Catchphrase
Balthazzar(11 November - 15 January) - A row with a bus driver makes you feel disappointed in yourself, but also you are now worried that others on the bus think you are a racsit because the driver looked a bit foreign
Your magic Bastard is Daniels and your power is cubed
Lemmington and District (16 January - 18 January) - Strange things are abound. I can't tell you anymore but you'll know it when it happens. Honest.
Your lucky star is Epsilon 319 and your magic copy of New Jersey by Bon Jovi is dusty
Capri-sun (19 January - 12 February) - Enjoy the nice weather this week. Wear a nice vest top to work that shows off your arms. How about talking incessently about your last holiday and why the heat was too much but you had to stay out in the sun to get that tan. Ooh those Spanish waiters are very handsy aren't they. Still you were on holiday weren't you.
Your soup of the day is Cheese and ham and your pilot is Captain Jones-Smythe
Einsteinium (13 February - 12 March) - You will be awarded a medal of honour for your part in the Iranian embassy siege of 1980. You will be unable to collect this because you still shroud your identity in secrecy. If those SAS men find out you're still on the run there'll be hell to pay.
Your window of opportunity is round. Your lucky word is fortuitous
Trilby (13 March - 30 March)- You don't believe in horoscopes so why are you reading this.
Outlook is mild with scattered showers
Puce (1 April - 17 April)- You found an old copy of Shakin Stevens Green Door at a car boot sale and it brought back memories to dancing around in your best denim jacket and jeans. Kill yourself. You later decide to look through an old photo album and see a picture of a lost love. Kill yourself. Is it worth it? Kill Yourself
Your healing crystal is Meth and your lucky number is 7362891987462638120192348378482
Rocky (18 April - 22 May) - Um Bongo, Um Bongo they drink it in the congo. You decide today would be a good day to start a new keep-fit regime and actually you’ve been thinking about buying a new bicycle now you come to mention it but you’re not sure because the man at the cycle shop sort of stares at you when you’re walking past and at first you thought it was because he might like you and maybe that’s why you thought about going to get a new bike so you could start up a conversation or something about bikes but you don’t really know much about bikes and it would just be awkward I mean there’s not that much to say about them really and now when you think about it he seems a bit creepy the way he stares like that and anyway he parts his hair on the left and you know what they say about that.
Your star for the week is The Daily and your colour is Burnt Umber
Rocky II (23 May - 35 May) - A close friend will get very mad at you this week. You will feel love from an unsuspected admirer and now is the time to act on it. If it is your close friends husband they will be mad at you (see first line of horoscope). All the rest is the same as last week except this week it is Tom and not Barbara you should be wary of.
Magic beans this week are haricot and your power ballad is I want to know what love is.