The overwhelming presence of fake tan in Britain’s water supply has left treatment plants struggling to cope, according to a report by the utilities companies. Some parts of Liverpool now appear to have Tango on tap, but consumers have complained that it ‘tastes worse than Irn Bru’.
The problem first came to light during the first series of 'Splash!', when Tom Daley tainted a 40,000 gallons of water on his first dive. Since then, thousands of people have reported 'looking a bit under the weather', the weather in question being a heatwave in Lanzarote.
Campaigners are demanding that celebrities shower less often, or at least sand the brightest patches into a bin first. “Environmentally speaking, the Beckhams are a disaster”, complained Justin Hodge of pressure group ‘Squash It’. “The sewers under their house must look like Heinz ‘Dirty Protest’ shaped spaghetti. When that lot reaches the filter beds the staff have to splash about scooping the most fluorescent bits out with nets. From a distance, they look like sick oompa loompas.”
Protests by the group are already improving the quality of our water, and the Beckhams recently took steps to lessen their own orange footprints. “By moving to France, the pair have offset their pollutants”, explained Hodge. “For some reason, Paris never struggles to deal with dirty 'l'eau du bain', but the man did have to look the phrase up in a book.”
Meanwhile in Britain desperate measures are being trialled to try and turn the tide of tap-water tangerinisation. With young girls from Newcastle to Knightsbridge particularly at risk, the official advice is to only drink something from the other end of the spectrum, such as Blue WKD, green tea or screen-wash.
Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has promised to deal with the ‘problem at sauce’, sending armed troops to guard Clinique laboratories and warehouses. “For now, we’ve stemmed the cause of pollution, but we need to mount a mopping up operation”, said Paterson. The minister is optimistic, and revealed a ‘secret weapon’ in the battle, which can absorb gallons of fake tan through its unusually thick skin. As he explained, “we’re just going to get Simon Cowell to roll around in it for a bit.”