The world’s first artificially created black hole will be opened next week in the Surrey town of Haslemere by physicist Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘I predict that this hole will become a major attraction,’ said Professor Hawking, ‘people will come from miles around to see it, whether they want to or not.’
The hole, which has been created using Haslemere’s world famous Small Hadron Collider, has been a controversial issue for many local residents. ‘It all sounds very fancy but I don’t want to live next door to a black hole,’ said pensioner, Mrs Mavis Treeb, ‘it will destroy all the light.’
Meanwhile others are concerned about the cost. ‘The council have poured millions into this black hole,’ complained local man, Arthur Mullins, ‘but as far as I can see we get absolutely nothing out of it.’
The Haslemere hole is the brainchild of physicist, Professor Brian Cox. ‘Ever since I was a small child I have dreamed of having my very own black hole,’ said Cox, ‘my parents would only let me have a hamster but it just wasn’t the same.’
Professor Cox rejected claims that opening a black hole in a busy commuter town would be a recipe for disaster. ‘We have deliberately made this black hole small and manageable,’ he said, ‘a number of our team have already been inside to have look around and it is perfectly safe, although admittedly they were all crushed to a point of infinite density.’
The Department for Transport has recently given the go ahead for a high-speed link between the Haslemere hole and a supermassive black hole being built in Switzerland by CERN. However, while people who enter the hole via CERN'S Large Hadron Collider will travel at almost the speed of light, the moment they enter Britain, they will slow down to a mere 40 miles per hour.
The Haslemere black hole will be opened next Tuesday, to be followed by wine, canapés and the collapse of spacetime.