The Met Office issued an extreme weather warning today for parts of Essex as experts predict that Communities Secretary and local MP Eric Pickles is likely to evacuate his bowels at some point during the next few weeks.
The cabinet minister’s anus has remained dormant since its last eruption in the early nineties, however scientists have warned that recent seismic readings from MP’s digestive tract indicate a fresh release is imminent.
David Corbett, professor of applied flatulence at Loughborough University warned, ‘Science has advanced greatly since Eric’s last emission however we still only know so much. We are sure an eruption is due, but it’s still very difficult to say exactly when and how severe it will be.
At best it will mean weeks of disruption and a massive clean-up operation, however the worst case scenario means floods, earthquakes, a giant Chicken Rogan Josh cloud pulling planes from the sky and wholesale destruction of the countryside. If this happens, the only option will be a mass migration from the affected areas, and the enclosure of Mr Pickle’s backside in a sealed concrete dome for at least the next 100 years.
Strictly speaking that’s not scientifically necessary, but I spoke to a few of my colleagues and we all agreed that encasing a cabinet minister’s arse in an impenetrable sarcophagus for a century or so might be quite good fun.’
Not everyone however shares Professor Corbett’s concern. Brian Freeman of Bradford, West Yorkshire, where Pickles once served as a council leader stated, ‘Eric’s rectum is a classic example of the north south divide. The people of Bradford were regularly shat on by Pickles, but no one seemed to care. This issue has been blown up out of all proportion, much like Eric really.’
However officials in Essex were resolute. Ongar parish councillor Dennis Lawton explained, ‘We are taking this threat very seriously indeed. We have spent millions in recent years on flood defences, rapid response strategies and giant silos of Fbreeze. We feel suitably prepared, but if the worst does happen then we’ll just have to grit our teeth and bear it.’