Wayne Rooney has been rushed to hospital near the England team training camp in Rustenburg, South Africa following what team physician, Dr Ian Beasley, is calling a 'possible overdose'.
Dr Beasley says that vice-captain Steven Gerrard found Rooney slumped in his bedroom surrounded by copies of Marie Claire and Cosmopolitan magazines, some of which had been opened. 'It's difficult to say,' said Dr Beasley, 'but knowing Wayne, I think he was probably attracted to these magazines because of their shiny glossy pages and big colourful pictures.'
Vice-captain Steven Gerrard, speaking at a hastily-arranged press conference, said: 'We have no idea where he got hold of the Marie Claries. He could have nicked them off Coleen and smuggled them into the country in his hand luggage, but the Cosmos were probably borrowed from Ashley Cole's post-separation wanking stash.'
The South African authorities are waiting for Rooney to regain consciousness before speaking with him about the import of banned literature, but reports of an overpowering scent on his hands makes Dr Beasley believe that the England goal-scorer 'may have overdosed sniffing those little perfume advertisements scattered through the pages'.
Rooney's teammates, reported to be 'shaken, but determined' following the incident, are waiting for toxicology results in the hopes that they will shed some light on the player's condition. Some, however, doubt that perfume esters will be found in his bloodstream. 'There are only two things that Wayne likes to scratch 'n' sniff,' said fellow striker Emile Heskey, 'and his missus isn't allowed anywhere near him during the competition, so it must be his arse again.'