Hailed as the best hope yet of helping smokers overcome their addiction to the life-enhancing drug nicotine, Benson & Hedges have announced the official launch of their innovative ‘cigarette’ product, set to replace patches and those silly plastic tubes you can use on aeroplanes.
The new gizmo consists of a column of tobacco laced with various carcinogens, bound by paper and sealed at one end by a protective filter. Users simply pop the cigarette into their ‘mouths’, light it with a ‘match’ and inhale the heady mixture of smoke and carbon monoxide into their so-called ‘lungs’.
Dirk Dreiecke, a spokesman for B&H, last night took pains to highlight the potency of the new brand: ‘Sucking on a nicotine-filled tube is for pussies. Rest assured, ‘smoking’ one of these babies in the toilets at thirty thousand feet has the potential to bring down a 747. Especially if the overhead lights are still on.’
A number of nicotine-dependent volunteers took part in a pilot study and were asked to report their findings, assuming they had the necessary amount of energy to fill in a questionnaire. Initial feedback was generally positive:
Volunteer, Jez Stevens, aged 42, of Portsmouth said:
‘Unlike patches, I can dangle it casually from my mouth whilst operating a power tool. I look and feel sexy and I now have something to do with my hands when talking to people other than DIY or absent-mindedly prodding my ball bag.‘
Meanwhile, housewife Valerie Johnson wanted to thank Benson & Hedges from the bottom of her still-beating heart after signing up for the trial:
‘For the first time in years I’ve had real difficulty climbing the stairs. When I eventually reached the top, I succumbed to a near-fatal asthma attack. It’s really given me my old life back.’
And Graham Dawson, a twat from Chester, claimed:
‘After I quit, I turned into a proper fat bastard, but since I’ve been smoking these new ‘cigarettes’ I’ve lost a huge amount of weight. The only unpleasant side effect is amount of blood I’ve been coughing up in the morning but I’ve put that down to these so-called carcinogens.’
‘You wouldn’t have a light by any chance?’